Much better now...

[thelake]

Accomplishing something, anything is always good for the soul.



I was really depressed yesterday. I had lots of plans for the day, but at the end I did nothing but watched 11 episodes of Friends. Eleven episodes, in one sitting. That's how empty that day was.

I haven't been able to write or do anything productive last 2 weeks. I even forgot to update one of my web books (POL) and nobody even asked if I was gonna update it, LOL! I'm glad I managed to go outside last Saturday, because if I didn't have that day it would have been worse now.

These times are so common in my life, I know exactly why I'm depressed, but I can't do anything about it. The main reason why I was depressed is because I was very lazy in the office these past weeks. Things were going so slow and everyday I returned home without doing anything. Projects were lined up, couple of them were overdue, etc. etc. I can't believe how much it effects my daily life, I never thought I would be thinking about work this much.

My brain prioritize things without my knowledge. In this case it made work > everything, and since I didn't have any accomplishments at work for a very long time my brain gave an error message to my soul, hence DEPRESSION.

I become such a bitch when I'm depressed about something. awakencordy knows those times the best. It's crazy, because I never want to hurt anyone, but words come out so harsh, so fast, I end up hurting my friends and family, and myself the most. I try not to speak sometimes, but then people start asking questions, "Are you ok?" "What is wrong?" "Why are you so quiet?" Well, I DON'T WANT TO TALK. Then here comes another hurtful word vomit.

And my depressions are so sudden, so out of nowhere, people get suprised all the time. I tend to seem happier than I actually am, and when I can't fake it anymore I just go quiet and hurtful which is the final stage of my depressions.

Thank god I managed to do some work today. Lots of work actually. I came into the office at 8:30 and for the first time I began working right away. I'm almost done with one of the overdue projects, I'm hoping to be all done by the end of the day :)

As for the lack of my writing; I thought I was bored with the story, so I tried plotting something different (even an entirely new universe), but it didn't feel right. So it's not about the boredom, I'm sure I'll be better this weekend. I'm not making any plans at all, it will be all about writing. No dinners, no movies, nothing! I should be able to concentrate. I'll tell my folks the same thing, I'm sure they'll understand...

My stomach itches. Interesting.

Comments

[cirrocumulus.livejournal.com]

Ohhh, I know exactly how you feel. I feel like this all the time. Any time I pass a day in which I didn't accomplish anything significant it really makes me sad and if I have too many days like that it can really depress me. I always try to include some little accomplish-able creative goal in my day but sometimes it just doesn't happen.

[thelake.livejournal.com]

I'm such a weird person when it comes to do creative stuff; I don't know if the same goes for you, but I have to be completely isolated to be able to concentrate on what I'm writing, so usually weekdays are pretty bad for that. I can never write something when people keep coming into my room, or calling me for dinner, make small conversations and such... It used to be a lot easier to spend time on things I really want to do when I was living alone, but now I'm living with my parents and brother again, so it's 4 times harder :)

This leaves only "office accomplishments" for me, and when those don't happen, HAI DEPRESSION! I feel like a total failure because of that..

today was good though, I think I'm breaking the cycle!

[awakencordy.livejournal.com]

Apology accepted.

I love you whatever you say to me, I know you don't mean it even though you mean it. You're just a prat but my prat nonetheless. I being as cocky as I am, deserve an arrogant prat just like you. You are my Angela to my Brennan and Kirk to Spock and we shall make an OT4 of them.

[thelake.livejournal.com]

♥

we probably have an OT100000 soon. You said Kirk and Spock and it made me happy!

[awakencordy.livejournal.com]

I knew work would do good for you, last night I prayed for an accomplishment for you to happen. Luckily you did well today, and it always makes you break the cycle. I'm sure with enthusiasm you'll get over the emptiness. And in the weekend if you get to deal with your guys, you'll do fine. You can do anything if your mind is made up, I know that. :*

I'll take a quick bath before sitting, just wanted to check up on you. *hug*

[thelake.livejournal.com]

it secretly makes me happy to see how my work can make me happy and feel accomplished. (I think I love what I'm doing. Hmm......)

I want to brush my teeth. Brush your teeth for me. *hugs back*

[awakencordy.livejournal.com]

http://awakencordy.livejournal.com/336781.html

I AM GIVING YOU FRIENDS, TREK, MERLIN. MAKE YOURSELF BUSY! *GOES NOW*

[thelake.livejournal.com]

YAAYYYAY! yapayım bari bugün sabah eğlencesi (ya da gün içinde anca biter)

[likegunfire.livejournal.com]

don't blame yourself for being this way.

I mean, yes, blame yourself, but wanting to accomplish stuff and wanting to work can be a really good quality in a person.

And we all get bitchy sometimes. I know a lot of the time when I'm in a bad mood and people keep saying "what's wrong" or my least favorite one: "WHY DO YOU LOOK SO MAD TODAY."

UGH sometimes I am not in a bad mood and people ask me why I look mad. Then it puts me in a bad mood and I yell at them and say "I AM NOT WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU." I do not apologize for this behavior because "why do you look mad" is a stupid question, what idiots maybe they should think before they speak. I don't care if they're trying to be nice, it doesn't come out as nice because it's just rude if I'm not in a bad mood and they think I am. what ungrateful friends, don't they ever learn?

[likegunfire.livejournal.com]

OOPS sorry, that last paragraph didn't really have anything to do with this and I don't know why I felt the need to rant about that in so much detail.
lol apparently it makes me more angry than I thought it did. thank you for making me realize this.

[thelake.livejournal.com]

but dude you're 100% right! I hate it when people come up to me and say "Hey, you look tired."

ORLY? Thanks so much, I'm already feeling better now that I know I look like crap! *insert a big fat uncomfortable smile here*

people can be such assholes sometimes.

[jenniferkaos.livejournal.com]

I can completely relate. I've been in a very bitchy mood and I don't know why. Yesterday I went to work all happy and the first person who talked to me changed my mood just like that. I don't even know how to fix that and be happy again. So if you need to talk about it, let me know. :DD

[thelake.livejournal.com]

oh god I know exactly what you mean! I can be all happy pappy in the beginning of the day, then a person comes up to me and says something --anything!-- and all my happiness goes PUF! I hate it. I can't seem to control it lately, too. I used to be able to hold myself together so easily, I don't know what's happening...

[jenniferkaos.livejournal.com]

It's cuz we were young and had no cares in the world. Now we over analyze things. We try to see more than what's there and we place our emotions over everything.

[aftersix.livejournal.com]

I hate those random depressions that come out of nowhere. And I also get your frustration when people won't stop asking what's wrong when you really just wanna be left alone. Oh well, at least remind yourself that they ask because they care ♥

Feel better!

[thelake.livejournal.com]

yes you're right ♥ when i think about it later, it feels good to be cared about...

I'm feeling much better today, thanks dear :)