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thelakeYou've all heard this before, so feel free to ignore. I just need to get this out for myself.
I don't remember my first real rant about work, or I should say, about this particular project, maybe December... Since then, things have been worse everyday.
I've been dreaming in Java for months now. Literally. It takes so much work to shut my brain off and fall asleep, it's painful. I watch, read, etc, but they rarely work. I keep thinking about a part I failed to finish on that day and it sneaks into my dreams which keeps my brain open for business during my sleep. I wake up tired and I am sick of this order.
My company insists on not hiring anyone to our department. I don't know the real reason behind this. It might be because I'm killing myself on the inside, but everything works really good outside? Should I take this as a compliment? I don't know anything anymore. I've never been the complaining type, but this previous week was HELL. I can't take it anymore.
I stayed at the office until 10pm yesterday and I guess I only took like 3 breaks or something. 1 for breakfast, 1 for lunch and 1 for a quick dinner. Other than that I code code code and code. I love it when I'm actually progressing, but after a couple of bullet points, the analysis department brings me 20 more. It's never over.
And it's not like I can only focus on this part of the project. It has 2 more levels and I need to start the 2nd one this week and be done with it by 12nd of April. 2 weeks. Once again I am the only one who has knowledge about the system and there's absolutely nobody who can share the workload with me on that one. It's fine. I can do it, but I can't do it all at the same time and this large scaled project requires synchronized work. How can one person manage that?
I can't. Not anymore.
I've never really sat down and told my boss that I can't do it. All I said was I can't do X amount of work in Y days. I needed like Y days + 1 week or something. It was fine and dandy until a certain point and last week we passed that OK point and I kind of died inside.
They told me to do 9584095 things at once in a week and I DID IT. I really did. I worked extra hours, I stayed late, etc. I was even planning on working in the weekend, but my right arm stopped working, so I couldn't do anything. AND IT WAS PAINFUL! My whole weekend got wasted and I felt like crap because worked on some stupid project all by myself.
My project manager knew this and that sneaky little bastard didn't say anything. I used to think he was this nice and smart guy, but right now I can just hit him in the balls and tell him to GTFO, because he apparently can't MANAGE anything at all. He used to offer doing some part of the project before and no matter how shitty his work was it was still a good amount of stuff I could work on, but now, he just stepped back and apart from his occasional "how's the work going", nothing is happening. He's doing something, but I doubt it's anything productive.
Yesterday he transferred a piece of work he's been working on, to some other developer. I wonder what took him so long to do that. Nobody transfers MY WORK to anyone, what's up with that?
My face and hair started showing my tiredness. My hair is literally all electrified and shit all day! It's insane. I don't want to do my hair, I don't want to put on make up, wear heels, nice work clothes... I just want to be able to leave the house and not faint during the day. I have really dark circles around my eyes and whites of my eyeballs are always a light shade of pink because I literally STARE at the screen all day. I have no choice, because I am building this HUGE website all by myself. I was in denial about this since the beginning, but now people who work with me on the other departments PITY ME. They do. They said it out loud, several times.
I was so pissed off and literally at the verge of tears today, but I didn't say anything, because if I did, I would probably start a war or something.. Even worse, I could have really sat down cried. So I kept my silence and did some lighter stuff and waited for the day to end. Also my project manager left at 3pm so yeah...
Tomorrow, I'm calling for a meeting. This can't go on. I'm not a slave. I want to be able to work for 8 hours, leave the office and still feel like I can finish it on time when I come back to work the next day. And determining this is NOT my job. What is a project manager? What does he do? Absolutely nothing. He sits down and writes down some dates when it's extremely necessary, but other than that he keeps telling me to transfer certain requests to him, but it's impossible. He has to be on top of things, but he never is. I finally figured this out and I have to stand up to it.
I'm in bed, laying down, feeling the tired buzz in my legs. I shouldn't be this tired, this worn out. It's not normal. I can't work this much while other people take vacations and leave the office early for personal shit. I want to be able to take sick days without worrying about due dates. This project shouldn't be this personal. It's not the right way.
I know in my heart that this is not important, I am more important and I can just fuck it off and not make the due dates, but I'm not built that way. I feel responsible and no matter what other people think I question myself when I can't figure something out as fast as I want. That's problematic, I know, but I can't help it. That's why some higher up, some manager should know about this and arrange something, hire people, share the workload.
My mom keeps telling me to look for other jobs, but I don't want to change my job just because of this. My job is awesome. My workplace is awesome. It's just this one project and stupid time period... If I can get over this, everything's all shiny and perfect. I swear.
So yeah, I'm taking control tomorrow. I'm writing down dates and I'm telling people that I'm not working over-hours anymore, I'm not doing extra work. They can go out and hire a random person for all I care. I'm done. Finished. If they're not happy with it they can simply say so and look at all the fucks I'll give: none.
Now I'm gonna go and read Eisenfield porn.
I don't remember my first real rant about work, or I should say, about this particular project, maybe December... Since then, things have been worse everyday.
I've been dreaming in Java for months now. Literally. It takes so much work to shut my brain off and fall asleep, it's painful. I watch, read, etc, but they rarely work. I keep thinking about a part I failed to finish on that day and it sneaks into my dreams which keeps my brain open for business during my sleep. I wake up tired and I am sick of this order.
My company insists on not hiring anyone to our department. I don't know the real reason behind this. It might be because I'm killing myself on the inside, but everything works really good outside? Should I take this as a compliment? I don't know anything anymore. I've never been the complaining type, but this previous week was HELL. I can't take it anymore.
I stayed at the office until 10pm yesterday and I guess I only took like 3 breaks or something. 1 for breakfast, 1 for lunch and 1 for a quick dinner. Other than that I code code code and code. I love it when I'm actually progressing, but after a couple of bullet points, the analysis department brings me 20 more. It's never over.
And it's not like I can only focus on this part of the project. It has 2 more levels and I need to start the 2nd one this week and be done with it by 12nd of April. 2 weeks. Once again I am the only one who has knowledge about the system and there's absolutely nobody who can share the workload with me on that one. It's fine. I can do it, but I can't do it all at the same time and this large scaled project requires synchronized work. How can one person manage that?
I can't. Not anymore.
I've never really sat down and told my boss that I can't do it. All I said was I can't do X amount of work in Y days. I needed like Y days + 1 week or something. It was fine and dandy until a certain point and last week we passed that OK point and I kind of died inside.
They told me to do 9584095 things at once in a week and I DID IT. I really did. I worked extra hours, I stayed late, etc. I was even planning on working in the weekend, but my right arm stopped working, so I couldn't do anything. AND IT WAS PAINFUL! My whole weekend got wasted and I felt like crap because worked on some stupid project all by myself.
My project manager knew this and that sneaky little bastard didn't say anything. I used to think he was this nice and smart guy, but right now I can just hit him in the balls and tell him to GTFO, because he apparently can't MANAGE anything at all. He used to offer doing some part of the project before and no matter how shitty his work was it was still a good amount of stuff I could work on, but now, he just stepped back and apart from his occasional "how's the work going", nothing is happening. He's doing something, but I doubt it's anything productive.
Yesterday he transferred a piece of work he's been working on, to some other developer. I wonder what took him so long to do that. Nobody transfers MY WORK to anyone, what's up with that?
My face and hair started showing my tiredness. My hair is literally all electrified and shit all day! It's insane. I don't want to do my hair, I don't want to put on make up, wear heels, nice work clothes... I just want to be able to leave the house and not faint during the day. I have really dark circles around my eyes and whites of my eyeballs are always a light shade of pink because I literally STARE at the screen all day. I have no choice, because I am building this HUGE website all by myself. I was in denial about this since the beginning, but now people who work with me on the other departments PITY ME. They do. They said it out loud, several times.
I was so pissed off and literally at the verge of tears today, but I didn't say anything, because if I did, I would probably start a war or something.. Even worse, I could have really sat down cried. So I kept my silence and did some lighter stuff and waited for the day to end. Also my project manager left at 3pm so yeah...
Tomorrow, I'm calling for a meeting. This can't go on. I'm not a slave. I want to be able to work for 8 hours, leave the office and still feel like I can finish it on time when I come back to work the next day. And determining this is NOT my job. What is a project manager? What does he do? Absolutely nothing. He sits down and writes down some dates when it's extremely necessary, but other than that he keeps telling me to transfer certain requests to him, but it's impossible. He has to be on top of things, but he never is. I finally figured this out and I have to stand up to it.
I'm in bed, laying down, feeling the tired buzz in my legs. I shouldn't be this tired, this worn out. It's not normal. I can't work this much while other people take vacations and leave the office early for personal shit. I want to be able to take sick days without worrying about due dates. This project shouldn't be this personal. It's not the right way.
I know in my heart that this is not important, I am more important and I can just fuck it off and not make the due dates, but I'm not built that way. I feel responsible and no matter what other people think I question myself when I can't figure something out as fast as I want. That's problematic, I know, but I can't help it. That's why some higher up, some manager should know about this and arrange something, hire people, share the workload.
My mom keeps telling me to look for other jobs, but I don't want to change my job just because of this. My job is awesome. My workplace is awesome. It's just this one project and stupid time period... If I can get over this, everything's all shiny and perfect. I swear.
So yeah, I'm taking control tomorrow. I'm writing down dates and I'm telling people that I'm not working over-hours anymore, I'm not doing extra work. They can go out and hire a random person for all I care. I'm done. Finished. If they're not happy with it they can simply say so and look at all the fucks I'll give: none.
Now I'm gonna go and read Eisenfield porn.
